【11/08/2005更新】

回答眾多的詢問:我買的原聲帶版本是Avenue Q (2003 Original Broadway Cast)


【11/05/2005更新】

因為首頁要放新歌,只能先把歌曲連結拿掉囉。有興趣的人請自己去買原聲帶吧。

Avenue Q裡面有一首俏皮、白目又溫馨的歌我也很喜歡,叫做「如果你是gay」。

在這齣劇中,Rod和Nicky是室友,Rod是個性矜持、不願面對且極力隱瞞自己男同志身分的共和黨投資銀行家,Nicky是他不成材又脫線的室友兼老友。Nicky察覺Rod應該是gay,總是千方百計想要逼他出櫃,但Rod打死不招,否認到底,因此有了這首If You Were Gay。

每次我和幾個比較講究時尚、心思纖細、或稍嫌「娘」的男性朋友聊天,都會拿這首賤歌出來開玩笑,唱起If you were gay, that’ll be OK. 我的同志朋友們也都很愛。

只可惜現實生活中,沒有認識太多能夠以平常心和男同志做朋友的異性戀男人。大部分男人總是在我提及「我的gay friend」這幾個字時,露出一種混合曖昧驚奇和「妳的交友圈真複雜」的似笑非笑表情,女人則是羨慕不已。我從來就搞不懂,為什麼直男們都這麼自作多情,認為只要走在紐約Chelsea,蹲下來綁鞋帶都有屁眼危機?照這個邏輯,我在男女比例2:1的商學院大樓,豈不是要每天貞操帶護體。

回去照照鏡子吧,你怕被霸王硬上弓,人家還嫌你屁股練的不夠結實沒擦乾淨。

話說回來,正因為大部分直男對同志有或多或少的恐懼與刻板印象,當他們嘗試敞開心胸,努力說出If you were gay, I'll like you anyway或You were just born that way這類熱情﹝但仍不免充滿偏見﹞的「安慰」與「支持」時,反而讓人覺得窩心可愛。

P.S. 我把There's A Fine, Fine Line暫時放到首頁右欄的「個人資料」去了,意猶未盡的人可以過去聽或是自己上Amazon買原聲帶。下面歌詞中藍色字體是If You Were Gay的主旋律。其他黑字多為口白。


If You Were Gay
Singer: John Tartaglia as Rod, Rick Lyon as Nicky
Music & Lyrics: Robert Lopez and Jeff Marx


ROD:
Aah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book,
"Broadway Musicals of the 1940s."
No roommate to bother me.
How could it get any better than this?
啊,終於有個沒有室友打擾的安靜下午,
我可以和我的愛書《1940年代的百老匯音樂劇》﹝註一﹞獨處。
還有什麼比這更美好的呢?

NICKY:
Oh,hi Rod!
嗨,羅德!

ROD:
Hi Nicky.
嗨尼奇。﹝惱火貌﹞

NICKY:
Hey Rod,
You'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning.
This guy was smiling at me and talking to me
嘿羅德,你一定不信早上我在地鐵裡碰到什麼事。
有個男人對我笑,猛跟我講話。

ROD:
That's very interesting.
聽起來很有趣。﹝敷衍貌﹞

NICKY:
He was being real friendly,
And I think he was coming on to me.
I think he might've thought I was gay!
他真的很友善,大概是想跟我搭訕!
我猜,他可能以為我是同志!

ROD:
Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this?
Why should I care? I don't care.
What did you have for lunch today?
嗯哼,所以,呃,你幹麼跟我說?
為什麼我要在乎這個?我不在乎。
你今天午餐吃什麼?

NICKY:
Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Rod...
歐,你不用防衛心這麼重嘛,羅德…

ROD:
I'm NOT getting defensive!
What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay?
I'm trying to read.
我防衛心才不重!﹝大吼﹞
你碰到男同志關我什麼屁事!
我正試著讀點書。

NICKY:
Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod.
I just think it's something we should be able to talk about.
歐,我沒有惡意啊,羅德。
只是覺得我們應該可以聊聊這個話題。

ROD:
I don't want to talk about it,
Nicky! This conversation is over!!!
我不想聊這個。
尼奇,這個話題到此為止!

NICKY:
Yeah, but...
好,但是…

ROD:
OVER!!!
到此為止!

NICKY:
Well, okay, but just so you know —
IF YOU WERE GAY
THAT'D BE OKAY.
I MEAN 'CAUSE, HEY,
I'D LIKE YOU ANYWAY.
BECAUSE YOU SEE,
IF IT WERE ME,
I WOULD FEEL FREE
TO SAY THAT I WAS GAY
(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)
好吧,不過我只想讓你知道——
如果你是gay
我也ok
我是說,嘿,
無論如何我都喜歡你。
因為如果是我,
我會大方說出我是gay。
﹝但我不是喔﹞﹝註二﹞

ROD:
Nicky, please! I am trying to read....
What?!
尼奇,拜託,我要看書…
幹嘛?

NICKY:
IF YOU WERE QUEER
如果你有斷袖之癖

ROD:
Ah, Nicky!
啊,尼奇!

NICKY:
I'D STILL BE HERE,
我還是你的好兄弟,

ROD:
Nicky, I'm trying to read this book.
尼奇,我真的想讀書。

NICKY:
YEAR AFTER YEAR
年復一年

ROD:
Nicky!
尼奇!

NICKY:
BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAR TO ME,
因為你是我最親愛的痲吉,

ROD:
Argh!
吼!

NICKY:
AND I KNOW THAT YOU
而且我知道,

ROD:
What?
什麼?

NICKY:
WOULD ACCEPT ME TOO,
你也會接納我,

ROD:
I would?
我會嘛?

NICKY:
IF I TOLD YOU TODAY,
"HEY! GUESS WHAT, I'M GAY!"
(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)

如果我今天告訴你
「嘿,你猜怎麼著,我是gay!」
﹝但我不是喔﹞

I'M HAPPY
JUST BEING WITH YOU.

我光是在你身邊
就快活無比

ROD:
High Button Shoes, Pal Joey...
《高筒靴》、《Pal Joey》…﹝胡亂唸了書中兩個音樂劇名想轉移注意力﹞

NICKY:
SO WHAT SHOULD IT MATTER TO ME
WHAT YOU DO IN BED WITH GUYS?

所以你跟男人在床上怎麼廝混
又關我什麼事?

ROD:
Nicky, that's GROSS!
尼奇,你真噁心!

NICKY:
No it's not!
IF YOU WERE GAY
I'D SHOUT HOORAY!

一點也不!
如果你是gay,
我會大聲歡呼!

ROD:
I am not listening!
我不想聽了!

NICKY:
AND HERE I'D STAY,
我依然會在你身邊

ROD:
La la la la la!
啦啦啦啦啦!﹝努力製造噪音不想聽尼奇說話﹞

NICKY:
BUT I WOULDN'T GET
IN YOUR WAY.
但我不會干涉你的私生活

ROD:
Aaaah!
吼~

NICKY:
YOU CAN COUNT ON ME
TO ALWAYS BE BESIDE YOU EVERY DAY,
TO TELL YOU IT'S OKAY,
YOU WERE JUST BORN THAT WAY,
AND, AS THEY SAY,
IT'S IN YOUR DNA,
YOU'RE GAY!

請相信我
每天都會伴你左右
安慰你這沒關係
畢竟你生來如此
還有啊,就像大家說的,
基因搞鬼,
你是gay!

ROD:
BUT I'M NOT GAY!
但我不是gay啊!

NICKY:
If you were gay.
「如果」你是gay

ROD:
Argh!
吼!



【註解】

註一:編劇特別選了這本書,暗示Rod是男同志。因為通常會鑽研音樂劇史的都是很認真的劇迷,其中男性有很高比例都是有藝術品味的男同志。我的同志好友好像都是所謂的drama queens…

註二:Nicky雖然不斷開導Rod當gay沒關係,鼓勵他出櫃,但每句話後面都很刻意地加了But I’m not gay,代表Nicky雖然認為Rod當同志沒關係,還是要強調自己可是「正常人」。這正反映出大部分人對同志的態度—或許沒有惡意,但也不希望自己是;還有不願出櫃同志的掙扎。Avenue Q很巧妙地用If you were gay和But I'm not gay的對話,幽默又溫馨地處理這個敏感的性別議題。

【圖說】

Avenue Q劇照。左邊穿西裝的是男同志投資銀行家Rod,右邊的是他的室友Nicky。這兩個角色據說是模仿/影射《芝麻街》裡面的Ernie與Bert﹝下圖﹞,連長相個性都神似。



【音樂來源】

很多網友問我Avenue Q的音樂哪裡找,這裡再說一次。我買的是音樂劇原聲帶,去年看完音樂劇不想等待,直接在我家附近的淘兒唱片(Tower Records)買的,但如果台灣不幸沒有進貨,上網去亞馬遜書店(Amazon) 購買應該會比較划算,例如這張。這個網頁的好處是,如果你想體驗一下其他的歌曲,Amazon也有提供部分試聽服務。請將該網頁捲軸下拉至Listen to Samples。

為了支持這張好聽的正版,請不要問我去哪裡下載。

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